You Have NO Fucking Idea
by T.O.M. Touch Trio
Summary: Moscow and Beijing are fighting AGAIN, Paris is creeping everyone, and London thinks that THIS is the time to be using her friends as test subjects for an untitled spell. (Warning: crack-yness and we cuss a lot)


**Tokyo's Warning of Tokyoness: Warning, language/cussing.**

* * *

"I've been through a whole hell of a lot more shit than any of you!" The little blonde Russian girl growled, an aggressive scowl plastered on her face.

"Really, bitch?! Do you even know what I have to deal with at home, aru?!" demanded an annoyed- and regrettably feminine looking- Chinese boy.

"Oh, won't you shut up, Beijing, da?!"

London sat in the corner of the room flipping through an old, untitled spell book, "Hmm?" she stopped and examined one of the spells, "interesting..."

A well endowed, French girl burst through the door, "Bonjour, mon amis!~" she stuck her head right in between Beijing and Moscow, "Ooh~ what have we here? An arguement?" she giggled, "I can feel the sexual tension building~"

They both turned bright red and snapped at her, "GET THE FUCK OUT, PARIS!"

"Paris? Oh, excellent!" London cried and pulled out a piece of the French girl's blonde hair, "we need an even number of people~"

Moscow gave London a WTF face.

London turned to Moscow and Beijing and plucked out one piece of hair from each or their heads.

"Ow!" Beijing rubbed his head, "what are you doing, London, aru?"

London dropped the hair into an obnoxiously huge iron cauldron, "Well, you see I found this mystical spell book that was filled with a whole crap load of magical, untitled spell and I found this one very badass spell!"

"How do you know it is 'badass'? You said they were all untitled, aru..." Beijing pointed out.

London's face flared, "BECAUSE IT IS A BLOODY SPELL! she shouted defensively and began stirring the cauldron.

Paris sulked, "Aw, and I thought she might be coming on to me!"

"Typical Paris..." Beijing and Moscow both face palmed.

London rushed back to them with four cups filled with a deep magenta liquid, "Here! Quick, drink up, you wankers!" she cried.

The three other Capitals gave each other nervous looks but still hesitantly downed the cups, for fear of the Brit becoming angry and hitting them all with whatever hard, heavy objects were within arms reach.

London put her cup down, "Zechtib, dnalgne naht retteb si nodnol!" she cried dramatically and thick dark smoke filled the whole room.

When the smoke cleared the four of them began examining each other, looking for the affects of the spell.

Paris hmphed and whacked London on the head, "Imbecile! Nothing has happened!"

London crossed her arms, "Well! Do not blame me! It_ was_ an untitled spell after all!"

Beijing mentally face palmed, "That's what I was trying to say, aru!"

"Son of a bitch-jing!" Moscow muttered.

Beijing glared at her, "Mos-cunt!"

"I'm leaving!" she flipped her scarf over her shoulder and stomped out of the room.

Beijing grabbed his panda, "I'm going too, aru!" he announced and left through the near by window.

London sulked, "I suppose Big Brother will be wanting me home soon..."she packed up her things and dragged Pari out with her.

Canada poked his head out from under the counter, "I-I thought you all came to see Ottawa..."

Ottawa sat on the counter above him, "I suppose not..."

"I guess..." he said with a sigh, "look at the mess they left..!"

* * *

Paris blinked awake, "Oh, I hear thunder! Perhaps I'll read my porn to lighten up the mood~" she reached over to her bedside table, "huh?" she felt nothing.

The French girl sat up, "and I can't see!" she groped around blindly for a few seconds then she felt something,_ 'glasses..?'_ she slipped them on and looked around her.

"Oh my!" Paris gasped and climbed out of bed, "what... what a drab room..! What drab curtains!" she looked at her- if you would even still call it hers- reflection, "oh my god... my... my glorious boobs!" she looked down at her- or rather London's- small chest, "Oh... I'm... I'm hideous!"

* * *

Moscow stretched and yawned,_ 'I slept well last night'_ she thought and opened her violet eyes, "Wha-? Why am I in a Chinese style bedroom?!" she sat up, "am I on the floor?!" the Russian began examining the mattress, "what kind of bed is this?" Moscow felt something begin gnawing on her head, "Wha-?"

"Beijing, panda is chewing on your head, aru!" China chuckled, pushing open the door.

"Yes, I know, China, would you-" wait a minute,_ 'Beijing..?'_ Moscow looked herself over,_ 'what the hell? I'm Beijing?!'_ she looked back at China, "Yao- erm... Big Brother... aru, is this, aru, supposed to be a, aru, bed?!" she demanded and then paused, "... aru?"

"... yes, aru..?"

* * *

"Panda, aru!?" Beijing was confused to find that the furry black and white creature was no longer tucked into the blanket with him, he sat up and glanced around, "why am I in Moscow's room, aru?"

Russia poked his head in, "Good morning, Alla, time to get up!"

Beijing had a mini heart attack right there, "R-Russia, aru!?"

Russia smiled, "You're talking strangely, Little Sister, are you spending too much time hanging around China's bratty little brother, da?"

"I-I'm okay, I'm... sick, ar-" Beijing stopped himself with a fake cough, "yes... sick..."_ 'Hey wait a second, bratty, aru?!'_

Russia put his hand against Beijing's forehead, "You don't have a fever... maybe I give you some vodka and you feel better, da?"

Beijing wasn't entirely sure what to say.

"Start getting ready," Russia began walking away, "Oh, and remember," he glanced over his shoulder, "Belarus is bringing Minsk over later~" he smiled and left the room.

Beijing buried his face in the pillow, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, AAAAAAAAAAAAARUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

* * *

London rolled over, "Ugh, is it the bloody morning already?!" she reached over for her glasses, "wha-?" she has picked up a porn novel, " Bloody hell- is this in French?!" she blinked, "I-I can see! Why is this room so pink? Is that the Eiffle tower? Are... are those nude photos of England, Italy, and Hong Kong?!" she got up and looked in the mirror, gasping at her reflection, "fuck all... I... I have gargantuan breasts!" she looked herself over, "bloody hell, I look just like that dick holder Paris!" she got a disgusted look on her face and screamed at the top of her lungs.

Just then, France opened the door, "Janette, are you okay?"

London looked at him and screamed again.

France leaned against the door frame, he was only wearing his boxers, "You don't look very well, perhaps you would like a massage?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" London shrieked.

"... done by me..?" the Frenchman offered.

London dove back under the covers, screaming bloody murder the whole way.

"... so, I suppose that is a 'no'..?"

* * *

"Anne! You left your bloody spell books laying all over the parlor floor again! Come clean them up!"

* * *

"Come on, Beijing! Its your turn to feed the pandas, aru!"

* * *

"Moscow! I told you to clean your pipe! Now there's blood all over the carpet!"

* * *

"Oh, Par-is~ You have a courtier here! He's fifty two and his talent is burping the alphabet forwards and backwards!"

* * *

Paris ran around frantically,_ 'Dammit, London, why must you have five different libraries on each floor of your house?!'_ she shoved a few books into one bookshelf.

"London!" England bellowed, "I made scones!"

Paris froze in mid putting-away-of-book, "E-England's... sc-sc-sc-scones!?" she sniffed, "why must I not only be ugly... but**_ TORMENTED_** as well?!"

* * *

Moscow threw off Beijing's clothes, "Feed the, aru, pandas? What do, aru, pandas eat, aru?"she stopped upon reaching the Chinese's underwear.

"You know the answer, aru!" Don't play stupid, Tao, in order to get out of feeding them again, aru!" China called, sounding slightly annoyed.

Moscow looked down, "Beijing... is a boy?"

* * *

Beijing scrubbed the pipe, _'Damn, blood just doesn't come off, aru!'_ he heard the front door open.

"Oh, hello, Belarus, Ukraine, and Minsk! Come in, I will go get some vodka!"

Minsk walked into the kitchen, "Hello, Moscow~" he said in a creepy tone.

Beijing scrubbed faster, "H-hello, Minsk, a-" he fake coughed,_ 'why am I Moscow?!'_

Minks gave Beijing a hug from behind, "Let's become one~!"

_'What would Moscow do, aru? What would Moscow do, aru?!'_ Beijing panicked and whacked him over the head with the pipe, "no thank you..."

Minsk sniffed, "Come on, Moscow, why must you be so cold?!" he started towards Beijing again in a slow creepy way, "Marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me!"

* * *

London peaked downstairs, a line of old men waited at the door,_ 'oh... my... bloody... god..!'_

France turned to her, "Look, Paris, come meet your new courtiers~!"

One old man waved at her in a perverted way.

London screamed and ran back upstairs to Paris' bedroom. She flopped onto the bed and buried her face in the pillow, _'Fuck all! How did this happen?! Why did-'_ she froze up,_ 'wait a minute...'_

* * *

"That stupid spell!" Paris shouted.

* * *

"London! This is your fault, da!?"

* * *

Beijing sat on one of the couches, next to Ukraine,_ 'London's spell, definitely, aru...'_

"Oh, Moscow! You don't look too good! Do you need somethin'?!" Ukraine fretted, her boobs jiggling every time she moved and it took a lot of effort for Beijing to keep from staring.

"I-I am okay, ar-" he coughed.

"You sound sick!" Ukraine enveloped Beijing in a bear hug, smashing his face in between her breasts.

Beijing had a mini nosebkeed, "Uh, um, I am fine..." he stopped himself before he could say 'aru'.

"Oh, Moscow..." Belarus said slinking around near the doorway, "Big Brother Russia , locked himself in his bedroom... did you say something to him..?!"

"N-no..!" Beijing stuttered.

* * *

"Paris! Get back down here, you have more suitors! This one is sixty three and his hobby is making wooden dildos!" France banged on the door.

London was hiding under the blankets,_ 'This is batty!'_ she thought trembling.

* * *

"London! There are still books all over the floor! Pick them up!" England stuck his head into the kitchen.

Paris quickly stuck a scone into her mouth, pretending that she had been eating them, and her face turned green.

England looked concerned, "You look ill, London, are you alright? Flying Mint Bunny and I are both worried about you!" he gasped, "is... is something the matter with my scones?!"

"No..." Paris said, trying to keep herself from gagging, "th-the scones are... f-f-fantastic..."

England perked up, "Really?"

"... of course..."

* * *

"Beijing! Are you done feeding the pandas yet, aru?!" China cried from the kitchen where he was feverishly cooking.

"Uh, erm... I'm, aru, almost done, aru!" Moscow responded, three pandas were chewing on her arm, one was nibbling her toes, and four baby pandas had begun licking her knees.

"Oh good, aru, when you're done, go clean the foyer, fetch water, ship the fireworks off to England, Build America another China town in Florida, send the gummy bracelets to France, and help me with the cooking, aru!" China called, sounding satisfied.

Moscow flopped onto the ground, "Oh, no, aru..." a panda waddled over and started gnawing on her ear.

* * *

Beijing huddled in the corner of Moscow's room.

"Aw! C'mon, Moscow, if you're feeling down, we can talk!"

"Brat! What did you say to Big Brother?!" Belarus clawed at the door.

"Alla! Marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me, marry me!"

Beijing buried his head in his knees, "Oh, I can't do it anymore, aru!" he wailed, "I... I..."

* * *

London rocked back and forwards in the fetal position.

"His name is Jacques, he is eighty four and he likes pussy cats!" France told her about the newest suitor.

London wept, "This is awful! How does Paris deal with it!? I just... just..."

* * *

Paris hid under London's blanket, "Please... please go away.." she mumbled.

"London! You let Elfy loose again!" cried England, "and Tiffany destroyed the dinning room again- hey is that my stocking?- The gnomes stole my stockings! What the- your books are **_STILL_** on the floor?!

Paris banged her face against the floor, "Oh no, I can't... I can't do it..!"

* * *

"Beijing! Did you get the water yet, aru?! America just called, Washington wants another China Town on 6th street!" China knocked on his little brother's door.

Moscow was hiding in the corner, armed with one of Beijing's dresses, "So much work to do..." she sniffed, "I-I miss home... I..."

* * *

_**"I MISS BIG BROTHER!"**_

* * *

Moscow looked around, 'Huh? Am I... back home..?' she slowly opened the door.

Belarus tried to claw her face off.

"I'm back!" Moscow cried happily.

Ukraine tackle hugged Moscow, "Oh, Alla! Are you alright? Can we talk now?!"

Moscow's face was pressed against Ukraine's chest, "Ye', big si'ter, U'rai'e!" she said, muffled.

* * *

Paris threw open her bedroom door and posed, "I'm gorgeous again!~" she shrieked with joy, "Big Brother, Fancis, let's go shopping~"

All of the courtiers strained to get a look at her.

Paris winked and flashed at them, killing them all instantly.

France smiled, "Hon, hon, hon, mon soeur is back to her old self!"

* * *

Beijing cautiously glanced around the room, "Am I me again, aru..?"

China pushed open the door, "Tao, aru! Did you hear me? I said-"

Beijing tackle hugged him, "Big brother!"

China stumbled and ended up falling on his ass, "Uh... yes..?"

Beijing picked up his panda, "I need some green tea, aru," he smiled, "I'll go get the water, will you make me some tea, aru?"

China blinked, "... yes, aru.."

* * *

London burst out of her bedroom, "England! I need scones!" she ordered.

England stopped yelling, "... will you get my stockings back from the gnomes..?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, SCONES!" she demanded.

England nodded and wen off towards the kitchen to make some raspberry scones.

London went back into her room, forgetting about England's stocking, and pulled out the untitled spell book, "Hmm?" she wiped of the cover, "... of course," she rolled her eyes.

_**MOVIE PARODY SPELLS**_

She opened to the spell from yesterday and examined the page, "Oh, I see..." she pulled off a piece of paper that had been stuck to the page, "'_Freaky Friday parody spell'_..." she mentally face palmed.

The ringer on her phone went off.

"Hello?" she said, picking up.

"LONDON!"

London hung up,"... hey, Big Brother... if Beijing, Moscow, and Paris come over... I am not home!"

Just then, Tokyo opened the door, "Herro, Rondon!" she smiled, "how has your day been going?" the cute Japanese asked.

London looked over at her, "... you have **_NO_** fucking idea..."

* * *

**Tokyo: Herro, eberyone! *bows* We habe finarry put up our first fanfiction, I hope you riked it! *smiles* We had herp writing by Rondon-chan~**

**London: Haha! That is right, you wankers! I helped out!**

**Tokyo: Oh, and if you guys didn't know... this is Paris-**

**Paris: Bonjour! Are you single?!**

**Tokyo: Uh... and this is my cousin, Beijing *sweat drop***

**Beijing: Ni hao!**

**Tokyo: Thank you bery much for reading!**

**(Shota-kun: We wrote this while camping on the day Esder-chan came out~ Hope you enjoyed it, we had WAY yoo much fun writing it!**

**PS. Beijing is also mine, but Paris and London belong to our two friends)**


End file.
